artis_the_fox
July 23, 2025 at 3:53:18 PM
Website:
https://spacehey.com/artisy2k1
your experience of feeling out of sync with other people around you resonates with me strongly. i have some friends, but none feel truly close. in class, everyone used to laugh at comments being made by the teacher/professor which to me sounded like an unremarkable neutral comment. i almost always missed the cue and was the only one not laughing. that's a small and literal example. but my disconnect reaches much farther and is too vague to even properly describe. honestly i've always felt like language is more restrictive than freeing. like experiences are dumbed down to fit into existing words, rather than words being made up to closely explain experiences. that's why my writing style often doesn't follow standard language rules. which is of course followed by criticism from everyone around me... i found some solace in the labels of 'emo', 'metalhead', 'nostalgia'... but these are again boxes i put one foot into but can never fit. i used to paint a lot. for a while it worked as an expressive non-verbal tool. but for some reason it fizzled out and now i'm seemingly physically unable to bring myself to draw or paint. i turned to writing, which again spurs brief moments of intensity, but it's much less of a succesful outlet. i've been self-harming with scissors and then box cutters for years now. so far it's the only manner in which i can blow off extreme pressure. but u can guess how well that comes across in my surroundings. people are disgusted, confused, worried. i try to keep it in most of the time until i just burst. now i'm being urged to try therapy for the third time but i don't even want to. anyway i realize i've been stream of conscious writing. i hope it's not too long. cheers.